I had this dream two nights ago that was just insane. So many weird parts. But the one really funny one was that I’d gotten some new bras (true story), and I was looking at my old ones and realized that one had a band size of 62, and another had a band size of 21. I was like, “So *that’s* why they haven’t been fitting!”
Ha.
Is there a word for the thing so many people do *all* the time where they criticize other people in an effort to make themselves feel better? Like maybe the word could be my grandma’s name with the suffix “-tion.” :)
But really, this annoys the shit out of me.
I’m on this bulletin board for women with babies due in May. I just read this one thread with more than fifty posts in which everyone basically agreed that the single reason kids can be rude and selfish is because their parents either (a) don’t care and don’t pay attention, (b) don’t discipline/spank them, or (c) are children themselves. This was all based on this one example a woman gave of being at this children’s event and having a kid older than hers try to take her daughter’s toy away. She even specified that many of the kids there were on field trips (so didn’t have close supervision).
Has anyone ever heard of Kohlberg? I mean, seriously, you can’t expect a fucking six-year-old to self-regulate his behavior, just for the good of mankind, especially when a parent isn’t nearby. Kids are archaic, man. I mean, their *brains* aren’t even fully developed, for godssake. I try to be the best parent I can be, but honestly, I would not be *shocked* if my kidlets did not act like well-mannered and generous adults in my absence.
I have even witnessed this, actually. Kieran is *the* single best-behaved kid in all the world. He’s just like Brad and me when we were growing up. So completely afraid of authority and so wanting to please everyone, especially adults… And yet, I’ve seen him, particularly at the birthday parties of his sister’s friends (all three years or so younger), dominate and be rude and pushy to other kids. This is especially true when he is excited or when he thinks adults aren’t around.
Even more disturbing about this whole bulletin board exchange is that *most* of these women are going to be first-time-moms in May. Soooo very quick to judge without knowing the game… Further, *most* of them agreed that spanking, at the least, and “military” discipline, at the most, was a good way to keep kids from, well, acting like kids. That scares the freaking shit out of me. I’m pretty sure that pointing them to the many peer-reviewed research articles that show the ineffectiveness of corporal punishment — and even that its long-term effect is opposite that which is intended — would not have swayed them. Parenting is *so* not an intellectual act.
So does this mean my kids are going to go to school with a bunch of angry kids who get beaten at home in the name of discipline and who only want to take out their frustrations on kids who seem happy and well-adjusted?
When Kieran was a few years old, and before his sister came along, I was *so* proud of myself. I was *clearly* a fantastic parent to be raising such a well-behaved child! …And then we had Anneke. Same parents, same environment, same rules and consequences… totally different story.
The single best piece of advice I got when Kieran was tiny — maybe the best advice I’ve ever gotten, actually — came from another mom with a child three years older. She said she’d decided, when her first child was born, and she realized how absolutely, mind-blowingly, indescribably difficult it is to be a mother, that she would never judge another mother. Instead, she would try to remember that she could not judge someone without understanding her circumstances or her thoughts, and she definitely could not judge her by her children or by a single incident in a grocery store.
*Such* sage advice.
In general, I think most parents try to do the best they can with the knowledge they have.
I have to believe this, or else the world is just too depressing.
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You are soooo totally right. I really despise those who have never had a child but pass judgement on parents & their kids all the time.
I would have LOVED for them to take my kids & step-kids for about a day (back a few years ago)…they would never make it. As my dear departed dad used to say, “They would pay me to take you back!” I’m sure he was kidding?????